It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
