In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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