as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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