the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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