i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Randomize
