My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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