it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
