as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
