I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
