I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
