If i come over, it means nothing
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
