So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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