im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.