apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
