i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
