Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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