see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
