"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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