It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
