Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
