Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
