Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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