the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
