I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
