Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
don't judge my taste in strippers
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize