We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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