Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
