I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
