in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
