A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
