Just fell off a train. Bad.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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