Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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