worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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