Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
