god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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