im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I think I just sharted jello shots
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
