Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
