We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
