it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
