i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
