u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
