come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
