woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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