dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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