brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
