I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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