I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
how do you play pong handcuffed?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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