Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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