I wish I could punch you in the face.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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