There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
