I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
