What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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