How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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