paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
