This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
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having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
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WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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