When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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