You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I believe in your delicious
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
