i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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