masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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