he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
