So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
