I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
